Sun and Mosquitoes in Panama
Our plane landed bumpily after lots of turbulence. We had just watched the lights of Panama City come into view.
It was just like my first view EVER of Panama City, when I first arrived almost 20 years ago now, when I arrived as an 18 year old, recently graduated from high school and trying out something new. I remember being thrilled at the sight of the locks of the Panama Canal. I remember feeling in wonder as I watched the lights of the city, then a wave of panic as I realized that I was flying into a foreign country, where I knew no one, to spend the next 5 months of my life. What if no one met me? What if I couldn't figure out what to do and I ended up stranded at the airport, unable to speak Spanish, make a call, get help?
Thankfully, that night 20 years ago, the panic subsided, I made my way through immigration and customs, and found friendly faces on the other end.
This evening in December, my feelings were very different. Next to me, and behind me were Abigail and Carolyn, peeking through the windows at the lights of Panama City. They were thrilled too, thrilled to be "home". I have now accepted that Oregon will never be "home" to them. When asked which is their real home, or which they prefer, the US or Panama, they always respond, "Panama". It's where they were born, what they are used to, their "real home". Carolyn calls the cottage in Oregon that my parents have been letting us live in, our "fake home". A place we live, but not really home.
My emotions were much more complex. I felt anxious, happy, nervous, afraid, and a whole host of other things upon returning to Panama after a year and a half. As we negotiated immigration and customs, I let the waves of different emotions sweep over me.
I imagined myself greeting the different emotions. Recognizing them, knowing them, but not letting them take over.
"Hello, excitement. You are welcome. The girls are happy to be here, Alex is happy to be here, I can be happy too."
"Hello, fear. Go ahead and pass on over. I don't want you to take over. "
"Hello, sadness. Hello, nostalgia. I didn't quite expect you. But you are part of my journey too."
The emotions continued to roll over as we searched for our luggage. Abigail helped Alex locate our many bags on the conveyor belt while Carolyn tried to help me coral Lucy, who was tired. Tired of being cooped up, tired of this trip, tired of being told "no". She alternated between laying on the dirty tile floor and running away as far as she could get before Carolyn or I caught up to her.
Before I knew it we were out into the warm Panama air. It was a cooler than average evening, and as the noise and bustle of the traffic carried on around us, I was surprised by how normal it all felt.
I had expected all sorts of things as I looked forward to this trip, but the one thing I didn't expect was for it to feel normal.
Waking up to the roosters and the barking dogs. Sweating at 8:00 AM, Hot, hot sun. Mosquitoes everywhere. Neighbor kids coming over. Spanish everywhere. Wou meu everywhere. Rice and chicken and plantain everyday. Cold showers. Cicadas at night.
Everything that makes up the experience of Panama, and on some days, I would forget for a moment that we were back only for a trip, that we had been away for quite awhile, that we had been waking up to Oregon... to hot showers and cold rain and short winter days.... and everything that makes Oregon, Oregon.
I would forget and just go about my old routines. I was surprised at how it felt comfortable at times, it felt normal, it felt like daily life used to be.
The days passed and the emotions continued to pass like waves. Stress, anxiety, sadness, joy, nostalgia. Bits and pieces of the good and bad that we lived there in that house, in Chepo, in Panama. Two days before we left, the girls walked over with a neighbor to buy "duros", home made Panamanian popsicles. They took Lucy along with them and it gave me a few moments of rare quiet. I walked around the house, quietly saying goodbye to the house, to the good and the bad. I felt sad by strangely ready to move on the the next thing. It was as if this trip with all it's emotions, had reminded me more of the good than the bad, and had helped to close the door on our time in Chepo.
We knew that our story in Panama is not over. We will be back, sooner or later, long or short term, we will be back in Panama. But for now, we are ready to look to the future and embrace this next season, whatever challenges it brings!
It was just like my first view EVER of Panama City, when I first arrived almost 20 years ago now, when I arrived as an 18 year old, recently graduated from high school and trying out something new. I remember being thrilled at the sight of the locks of the Panama Canal. I remember feeling in wonder as I watched the lights of the city, then a wave of panic as I realized that I was flying into a foreign country, where I knew no one, to spend the next 5 months of my life. What if no one met me? What if I couldn't figure out what to do and I ended up stranded at the airport, unable to speak Spanish, make a call, get help?
Thankfully, that night 20 years ago, the panic subsided, I made my way through immigration and customs, and found friendly faces on the other end.
This evening in December, my feelings were very different. Next to me, and behind me were Abigail and Carolyn, peeking through the windows at the lights of Panama City. They were thrilled too, thrilled to be "home". I have now accepted that Oregon will never be "home" to them. When asked which is their real home, or which they prefer, the US or Panama, they always respond, "Panama". It's where they were born, what they are used to, their "real home". Carolyn calls the cottage in Oregon that my parents have been letting us live in, our "fake home". A place we live, but not really home.
My emotions were much more complex. I felt anxious, happy, nervous, afraid, and a whole host of other things upon returning to Panama after a year and a half. As we negotiated immigration and customs, I let the waves of different emotions sweep over me.
I imagined myself greeting the different emotions. Recognizing them, knowing them, but not letting them take over.
"Hello, excitement. You are welcome. The girls are happy to be here, Alex is happy to be here, I can be happy too."
"Hello, fear. Go ahead and pass on over. I don't want you to take over. "
"Hello, sadness. Hello, nostalgia. I didn't quite expect you. But you are part of my journey too."
The emotions continued to roll over as we searched for our luggage. Abigail helped Alex locate our many bags on the conveyor belt while Carolyn tried to help me coral Lucy, who was tired. Tired of being cooped up, tired of this trip, tired of being told "no". She alternated between laying on the dirty tile floor and running away as far as she could get before Carolyn or I caught up to her.
Before I knew it we were out into the warm Panama air. It was a cooler than average evening, and as the noise and bustle of the traffic carried on around us, I was surprised by how normal it all felt.
I had expected all sorts of things as I looked forward to this trip, but the one thing I didn't expect was for it to feel normal.
Waking up to the roosters and the barking dogs. Sweating at 8:00 AM, Hot, hot sun. Mosquitoes everywhere. Neighbor kids coming over. Spanish everywhere. Wou meu everywhere. Rice and chicken and plantain everyday. Cold showers. Cicadas at night.
Everything that makes up the experience of Panama, and on some days, I would forget for a moment that we were back only for a trip, that we had been away for quite awhile, that we had been waking up to Oregon... to hot showers and cold rain and short winter days.... and everything that makes Oregon, Oregon.
I would forget and just go about my old routines. I was surprised at how it felt comfortable at times, it felt normal, it felt like daily life used to be.
The days passed and the emotions continued to pass like waves. Stress, anxiety, sadness, joy, nostalgia. Bits and pieces of the good and bad that we lived there in that house, in Chepo, in Panama. Two days before we left, the girls walked over with a neighbor to buy "duros", home made Panamanian popsicles. They took Lucy along with them and it gave me a few moments of rare quiet. I walked around the house, quietly saying goodbye to the house, to the good and the bad. I felt sad by strangely ready to move on the the next thing. It was as if this trip with all it's emotions, had reminded me more of the good than the bad, and had helped to close the door on our time in Chepo.
We knew that our story in Panama is not over. We will be back, sooner or later, long or short term, we will be back in Panama. But for now, we are ready to look to the future and embrace this next season, whatever challenges it brings!
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